Thoughts while riding the E train
Thursday, November 6th, 2008 | Posted in Thoughts by Vanessa
I’m going on my 3rd year in New York right now, but somehow it never seems like I live here. It’s always felt extremely temporary somehow. The thought occurred to me tonight as I was riding the subway into ‘the city’ and feeling the humidity, even though I was many feet below the ground in an enclosed metal tube. I was mentally chastising myself for being surprised at how humid is was with, “What do you expect? We live in a place surrounded by the ocean.” As soon as I had that thought it felt fake to me.
After 2 years in New York, I still don’t feel as though I have ever lived here. Why is that? Is it because I know in my heart I am biding my time? Probably. Moving to NYC is something I did out of coercion—maybe persuasion is a better word. At any rate, I accepted it because I was looking to make a change in my life anyway. Chicago was the city I’d set my sights on, but America’s first city offered me a job, I already had family here, plus my sister was requiring me to go where she did, and Val!’s plans certainly included New York. There was no great reason not to move to New York.
I wonder if the feeling of living a transient existence and just waiting, waiting in limbo, would be the same regardless. I know Texas is in my eventual future, but I’d still like to feel settled and cozy in the interim—like I belong to a place and it to me. Like I have a positive, loving relationship with my current city, as cheesy as that may sound. New York, why are you so elusive? Is it entirely my fault?
I see it from the periphery. I see how cool New York is, how interesting it can be, and what it offers that no place else really does—something for everyone. It’s easy to rebuke NYC for being so hard-nosed, so unfriendly, so not midwestern/southern. I just want, for the rest of the time Justin and I are here, to love it like other people openly love it. I just don’t know if I have it in me.
Side note: On the way to see FIT’s Gothic fashion exhibit today, a black man was handing out a newspaper. The cover said “Racism! Hatred!” He tried to hand it to an Indian man walking right in front of me that did not take it. As I approached, he quickly pulled the magazine away from my sight and back toward himself. Strange, but that happens more than you’d think here. There are religious propaganda spreaders that hang out near Queens Mall preaching that God is black. They approach anyone that looks like a minority, but when I (or another white person) walks by, they back away or turn to someone else. In a way, it’s a bummer. What if it was something I wanted to know about? It’s not like I’ve got religion in my life. ;) Oh well, no biggie.
FIT’s exhibit was amazing and highly, highly recommended. If you like black, lace, Gothic style, or are just curious, you absolutely must check it out! I might write more on this at another time, as I am planning to drag Val! back with me… in full regalia. :)
8 Comments on Thoughts while riding the E train - Add yours!
I hope you dont blame me for yr transient existence. and I feel the same. A home would certainly be nice.
This is a good update. I will write more later. As u can see ive whiled away my morning hours on not much….
http://i38.tinypic.com/28mfimb.jpg
:>
November 6, 2008
Vanessa, I like your site very much and hope I’ find the time to read all your entries. I’ve only stayed in NYC for a few weeks, but I haven’t left yet and guess I never will.
It’s close to sunset here in Nysa…cu, Kurt
November 6, 2008
Val! - I don’t blame you for anything really. Oh, I’ll occasionally lambaste you for my being in NY to begin with, but I never mean it seriously. I love you. And thanks for the boobs in that picture… and the skinny mole-studded arm, I guess. You’re certainly a weird one. I wish I could find those nifty accouterments - the outfits themselves aren’t bad either. :)
Kurt - wow fancy seeing you here! I am so excited! Thank you very much for your comment. I am really glad you like the site. :) I feel gleeful. You’ve made my morning. I am guessing you mean you’ve kept a bit of NY in your hear or is it that you’ve adopted the NY state of mind? Interesting… Have a good night, my Nysa friend :)
November 6, 2008
I think I know the reason why you feel like this. A lot of the perceptiosn of New York City (and rightly so, is Manhattan). In all of your 3 years here you have never worked or really lived near/in Manhattan.
It’s actually really amazing, how different you may actually feel had you been working in Manhattan or living there.
While I don’t live in Manhattan, my neighorhood does really feel New York. It embodies what it is to be in New York - living near tons of restaurants, bars and single people. It’s not Manhattan, but it’s definitely New York City.
Forest Hills, on the other hand, is “suburban” IN COMPARISON to the rest of the city. There are a lot of families and what bars and restaurants there are, are far few inbetween. If you don’t feel that New York electricity on a daily basis, it’s hard to ever feel like you live in New York City.
For example, when I come to work here in Forest Hills, I really feel like I might as well work in Long Island.
Maybe, if you just tried living closer to Manhattan in a more vibrant neighborhood you might actually find yourself feeling otherwise. :)
November 6, 2008
Olivia - You’ve got a very valid point. Hmm… We have a lease on this apartment for another year. I guess we’ll see what happens in Oct. of next year. I was really digging Brooklyn the last few times I was there, but I definitely would be cool to have more of the ‘NYC’ experience more regularly. Maybe I will have to go to Manhattan and crash at my cousin’s apartment every now and then so I can be in the city more regularly.
I definitely agree that where you live has more of the hustle of NYC life. I long for it in a way - the youth, the brunches, the NOT being surrounded by families. Thanks for your 2 cents. Really good points.
November 6, 2008
Here’s one more weird one of you:
http://i35.tinypic.com/10gdyyg.jpg
and another odd one of me:
http://i36.tinypic.com/206cw01.jpg
What oh what would the girls think if they saw such wacked-out crazy things?
I ordered that book finally - Cry of a Former Dog - that I mentioned on my LJ a while back. It came with another book so I called to ask why. The lady was so nice - she herself the translator and apparent publisher. She said if I liked any of the others I should buy them, or had I not the funds, she would send them. People with passion for what they do - amazing isnt it?
My mind is itself as transient as your New York, that I think of going to find her in Princeton and learn Bulgarian and Russian and about strange poets under communist rule.
But really.
November 13, 2008
I hope you guys stay in NY. I feel like it has infinite things to offer if you can find them. It will never be the Southwest, but it has an amazing amount of culture to offer, and with the right ingredients, we can make tres colores in our apartments. I do know I’ve found way more stories riding the E in six months than I did in many years in Denver. That’s worth a lot.
November 14, 2008
I hope you’re right about the tres colores! :) That would be so awesome. We’re definitely here for another year at least. I guess that gives me a year to discover all that NYC has to offer and fall in love with it.
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November 6, 2008