Ankhs in the Ground
Saturday, November 15th, 2008 | Posted in Thoughts by Vanessa
Premise: For Halloween I dressed up just a little gothy. However, I was missing one vital accessory for my outfit: my ankh necklace. I knew I had one somewhere, but the where was eluding me. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d worn it or the last place I’d seen it. I considered searching in the bedroom, though even that seemed pointless. Had I brought it to New York with me at all? My memory was failing me, as is often the case, so I didn’t give it much more thought until the mystery unraveled in a morbid thought process this morning.
Lying in bed in Texas, I was awoken by my dad bringing in Justin’s cell phone. The alarm was going off. It was 8:30 AM in NY, 7 :30 here. I considered getting up after only 4 hours of sleep to walk down the street and see my grandmother (Nanny), a ridiculously early riser. I’d spoken with my cousin Sheila the night before; she told me she and her husband (Justin) were going to have breakfast with Nanny at 7 AM. Yeah, right. Sheila is notorious for consistent inconsistency.
The thought occurred to me of playing a terrible practical joke on Sheila - pretending Nanny had died by getting there before her, conspiring with Nanny and hiding her, and basically lying through my teeth when Sheila arrived. Obviously, this thought process got me thinking of how sad everyone would be if Nanny were to die for real and how devastated my cousin David would be. How devastated I would be.
Mom, Me, Jared, and Val! - Halloween 1994
Thoughts leading on to other thoughts, I remembered the last time someone incredibly important to me died. It was Dec. 2005 and the neighbor I’d had and helped raise (he was 6 years younger than me) and played with practically my whole life committed suicide. His mother found his body hanging in his closet. I remembered going to his wake and half-hoping in that ridiculous manner that people do when they don’t want to believe reality that it was all an elaborate ruse and Jared would call it off at any moment. Val! and I swore we wouldn’t be angry if he’d planned the whole thing as some gigantic practical joke, or even just some way to prove to himself that lots of people cared about him (people came out en masse - it was incredible to see the number of lives this young guy had touched). I lost it as soon as I saw his lifeless body in the coffin. Even from the entrance of the chapel, it was apparent the spark that was Jared’s being was gone forever.
I remembered that I’d dressed Goth that night and for the funeral the next day in honor of Jared. It was something he used to tease me relentlessly about, even though he always conceded to letting Valerie and I dress him up and put makeup on him. It was at this moment that it struck me where my ankh was. As I approached Jared’s coffin the day of his funeral to say my final goodbye, I ripped my ankh from around my neck and laid it on his chest. Strange how we’re driven to do symbolic things, like adorning a corpse with a necklace before sending it into the ground forever, as a way of saying goodbye. Utterly pointless but entirely human.
Mystery solved. I wonder what it was about this thought process, this story, that drove me to get up at 7:30 AM after a mere 4 hours of sleep and type it up to share with my poor readers. I feel a little guilty about it, because spreading misery is not my goal, but it seemed important, even interesting, to me. I guess revelations and understanding are interesting to me. Anyway, I am going to lay down and try to go back to sleep.
Follow Up: I didn’t want to leave any of you guys hanging as I am sure you’re on the edge of your seat wondering, “Did Sheila show up at 7 AM this morning at Nanny’s house?!” Like a good author and fact-checker, I just got off the phone with Nanny. Sheila did not show up afterall. Justin left a message saying something about abdominal pain (she is pregnant - sounds like a good reason). I guess it’s good to be able to bank on the actions of someone you know pretty darn well. Nanny did, however, make Schmawn* in the anticipation of Sheila and Justin’s arrival. Don’t worry guys - my Justin and I will take care of it for you. Good morning all.
* Schmawn is pancake mix + oil stirred constantly over heat in a big pot til there are tiny cooked pancake crumbles. Served in a bowl covered with syrup. Oh deliciousness.
7 Comments on Ankhs in the Ground - Add yours!
Great story — thanks for waking up and sharing! So sad — not where I expected the necklace to end up. But a touching sentiment.
And I’m obviously intrigued by schmawn. I’ve never heard of it. It kind of sounds like a better, home made Waffle Crisp. Or a sweet version of the crispies you can order at Long John Silver’s. In any case, I want to try it. I had scrapple for the first time this morning, so I’m suddenly obsessed with eating new breakfast foods with funny names.
November 16, 2008
Arg to your post about me being consistently inconsistent! I guess what we do in our past younger lives will always haunt us!
As far a cancelling, I really feel bad for not being able to make the trip but if you read my blog ( I posted just a few minutes ago) you can see that the pain is indescribable and yet we still don’t know what is causing it but the baby if fine :)
For those that were denied a German heritage and the simple pleasure of one of the greatest all-time morning dishes, here is a recipe:
SCHMARREN (German Scrambled Pancakes)
2 T. butter
2 T. sugar
4 eggs, separated
pinch salt
2 c. flour
1 c. milk or cream
2 T. butter
Cream butter til frothy, then add, one after another, sugar, egg yolks, salt, flour and milk. Beat egg whites til stiff and carefully fold in. Melt remaining butter in a pan (we believe a cast iron skillet is preferred) and pour in batter. Fry on each side til golden brown. With 2 forks, chop the resulting pancake. Serve schmarren on a hot platter sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar and garnished with pieces of apple, cherry, seedless raisins or other fruit, sautéed in butter.
(serves 4)
The easy Jupe method is to use Bisquick…hehehe
November 17, 2008
also called “Kaiserschmarren”, but then Austrian :-)
November 17, 2008
So I already said to you but yes he was 8 years younger.
I remember how Terri was glad to see us all dressed up at his wake - how she said he would have loved that. You in black (how he made fun of you :) me in my shiney red oriental dress and black eyeliner (he wouldnt have made fun of me, I could do no wrong). How we cried in the truck afterward, went to Mi Tierra didn’t we? and at the funeral I wore a vest, but a pink shirt - because all the men were wearing pink shirts, bc he’d said he’d wanted that at his funeral, he would look down from heaven and laugh at them. So i wanted to be a part of that, I wanted him to see I was a part of it.
the world lost so much that day. i love this picture. i loved that little boy. i wish –
anyway. i started this post when u were here and i had just arrived and thought it would not be right to not finish it.
Love you,
-Val!
November 17, 2008
oh, and in his coffin all I put was a sticker of and I that we had taken in a silly photo booth in the mall a long time ago…. sigh.
November 18, 2008
Alex - thanks for your comment. I feel like a lot of times people don’t know what to say when someone writes something personal, or they don’t say anything. I am glad you didn’t feel that way. Schmawn (ok, so apparently I spell it wrong but this is how we say it!) is very good stuff! We just use bisquick and a pot and constantly stir forever until all we’re left with is a bunch of crumbles. Not sure what scrapple is or the Long John Silvers thing… I’ll look up scrapple though :)
Sheila - I felt bad to hear that you were feeling so bad. I hope you’re feeling better. And you’re right, it was pretty “consistently inconsistent” of me to not stop by on my way out of Austin. I am perpetually running late.
Kurt - very cool that you’ve heard of this stuff!!! Those Austrians sure know what’s going on, then again, they were part of Germany for a while.
Val! - thanks for sharing your thoughts. When I read your comment earlier today I almost started crying, but the way it abruptly ended - well let’s just say if it hadn’t ended that way I would have been in tears. Love you.
November 19, 2008
BTW: I still keep a picture of him on my computer here at work. :)
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November 15, 2008