Thoughts
Ankhs in the Ground
Saturday, November 15th, 2008 | Thoughts | 7 Comments
Premise: For Halloween I dressed up just a little gothy. However, I was missing one vital accessory for my outfit: my ankh necklace. I knew I had one somewhere, but the where was eluding me. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d worn it or the last place I’d seen it. I considered searching in the bedroom, though even that seemed pointless. Had I brought it to New York with me at all? My memory was failing me, as is often the case, so I didn’t give it much more thought until the mystery unraveled in a morbid thought process this morning.
Lying in bed in Texas, I was awoken by my dad bringing in Justin’s cell phone. The alarm was going off. It was 8:30 AM in NY, 7 :30 here. I considered getting up after only 4 hours of sleep to walk down the street and see my grandmother (Nanny), a ridiculously early riser. I’d spoken with my cousin Sheila the night before; she told me she and her husband (Justin) were going to have breakfast with Nanny at 7 AM. Yeah, right. Sheila is notorious for consistent inconsistency.
The thought occurred to me of playing a terrible practical joke on Sheila - pretending Nanny had died by getting there before her, conspiring with Nanny and hiding her, and basically lying through my teeth when Sheila arrived. Obviously, this thought process got me thinking of how sad everyone would be if Nanny were to die for real and how devastated my cousin David would be. How devastated I would be.
Mom, Me, Jared, and Val! - Halloween 1994
Thoughts leading on to other thoughts, I remembered the last time someone incredibly important to me died. It was Dec. 2005 and the neighbor I’d had and helped raise (he was 6 years younger than me) and played with practically my whole life committed suicide. His mother found his body hanging in his closet. I remembered going to his wake and half-hoping in that ridiculous manner that people do when they don’t want to believe reality that it was all an elaborate ruse and Jared would call it off at any moment. Val! and I swore we wouldn’t be angry if he’d planned the whole thing as some gigantic practical joke, or even just some way to prove to himself that lots of people cared about him (people came out en masse - it was incredible to see the number of lives this young guy had touched). I lost it as soon as I saw his lifeless body in the coffin. Even from the entrance of the chapel, it was apparent the spark that was Jared’s being was gone forever.
I remembered that I’d dressed Goth that night and for the funeral the next day in honor of Jared. It was something he used to tease me relentlessly about, even though he always conceded to letting Valerie and I dress him up and put makeup on him. It was at this moment that it struck me where my ankh was. As I approached Jared’s coffin the day of his funeral to say my final goodbye, I ripped my ankh from around my neck and laid it on his chest. Strange how we’re driven to do symbolic things, like adorning a corpse with a necklace before sending it into the ground forever, as a way of saying goodbye. Utterly pointless but entirely human.
Mystery solved. I wonder what it was about this thought process, this story, that drove me to get up at 7:30 AM after a mere 4 hours of sleep and type it up to share with my poor readers. I feel a little guilty about it, because spreading misery is not my goal, but it seemed important, even interesting, to me. I guess revelations and understanding are interesting to me. Anyway, I am going to lay down and try to go back to sleep.
Follow Up: I didn’t want to leave any of you guys hanging as I am sure you’re on the edge of your seat wondering, “Did Sheila show up at 7 AM this morning at Nanny’s house?!” Like a good author and fact-checker, I just got off the phone with Nanny. Sheila did not show up afterall. Justin left a message saying something about abdominal pain (she is pregnant - sounds like a good reason). I guess it’s good to be able to bank on the actions of someone you know pretty darn well. Nanny did, however, make Schmawn* in the anticipation of Sheila and Justin’s arrival. Don’t worry guys - my Justin and I will take care of it for you. Good morning all.
* Schmawn is pancake mix + oil stirred constantly over heat in a big pot til there are tiny cooked pancake crumbles. Served in a bowl covered with syrup. Oh deliciousness.
Thoughts while riding the E train
Thursday, November 6th, 2008 | Thoughts | 8 Comments
I’m going on my 3rd year in New York right now, but somehow it never seems like I live here. It’s always felt extremely temporary somehow. The thought occurred to me tonight as I was riding the subway into ‘the city’ and feeling the humidity, even though I was many feet below the ground in an enclosed metal tube. I was mentally chastising myself for being surprised at how humid is was with, “What do you expect? We live in a place surrounded by the ocean.” As soon as I had that thought it felt fake to me.
After 2 years in New York, I still don’t feel as though I have ever lived here. Why is that? Is it because I know in my heart I am biding my time? Probably. Moving to NYC is something I did out of coercion—maybe persuasion is a better word. At any rate, I accepted it because I was looking to make a change in my life anyway. Chicago was the city I’d set my sights on, but America’s first city offered me a job, I already had family here, plus my sister was requiring me to go where she did, and Val!’s plans certainly included New York. There was no great reason not to move to New York.
I wonder if the feeling of living a transient existence and just waiting, waiting in limbo, would be the same regardless. I know Texas is in my eventual future, but I’d still like to feel settled and cozy in the interim—like I belong to a place and it to me. Like I have a positive, loving relationship with my current city, as cheesy as that may sound. New York, why are you so elusive? Is it entirely my fault?
I see it from the periphery. I see how cool New York is, how interesting it can be, and what it offers that no place else really does—something for everyone. It’s easy to rebuke NYC for being so hard-nosed, so unfriendly, so not midwestern/southern. I just want, for the rest of the time Justin and I are here, to love it like other people openly love it. I just don’t know if I have it in me.
Side note: On the way to see FIT’s Gothic fashion exhibit today, a black man was handing out a newspaper. The cover said “Racism! Hatred!” He tried to hand it to an Indian man walking right in front of me that did not take it. As I approached, he quickly pulled the magazine away from my sight and back toward himself. Strange, but that happens more than you’d think here. There are religious propaganda spreaders that hang out near Queens Mall preaching that God is black. They approach anyone that looks like a minority, but when I (or another white person) walks by, they back away or turn to someone else. In a way, it’s a bummer. What if it was something I wanted to know about? It’s not like I’ve got religion in my life. ;) Oh well, no biggie.
FIT’s exhibit was amazing and highly, highly recommended. If you like black, lace, Gothic style, or are just curious, you absolutely must check it out! I might write more on this at another time, as I am planning to drag Val! back with me… in full regalia. :)
Sisters of Mercy - Quick Rant
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 | Negativity | 2 Comments
On the Way Home - Queensborough Bridge - Just Like a Dog
Just got back from the Sisters of Mercy concert and wanted to post a quick rant with my thoughts. When something is really great, or really shite, I just have to get it out.
ARGHHH!!!
I was really pleasantly surprised with Hypernova (opening band). Obviously we wouldn’t have paid $50 / ticket for them, not being familiar with them or anything… No, we spent over $100 to see The Sisters of Mercy for the first time. I’ve been a big fan of theirs for over a decade now and, perhaps, expected too much.
Yes, I admit I expected to hear the vocals sans some effect that literally had them fading in and out every second on top of being drowned out by music. I also would have liked to hear all of Lucretia My Reflection… I would have liked to hear more than 3 minutes of This Corrosion. As I said, I guess I expected too much.
The highlight of the concert, for me, were the cool concert-goers. There were some nifty people there that were into it, making the best of it, and a lot that seemed to just want to connect and have a shared experience. I also enjoyed some of the outfits, smiles, and thoughtfulness. One attendee offered me the spot she was standing in when she noticed a friend of hers was blocking my view. That was *really nice* - and just in time for Lucretia, which, as I mentioned, ended early. *sigh* At least they played it.
My recommendation is that you just save your money and listen to your CDs with a bunch of friends. You might want to check out Hypernova, though, when they’re playing for less than $50 somewhere. I kind of wish I had seen this somewhere in the $20-$25 price range so I wouldn’t be quite as upset. Still upset, granted, but not as. Why, NY, why do you have to charge double what any other city charges for the same show? :(
I admit that though I wasn’t thrilled with the cost of the concert, I was feeling very thankful to be able to afford to go to the show. At the same time, Justin and I were two of the youngest people in attendance, doubtless in part due to the exorbitant price. That was pretty cool. I totally felt like a kid again! :)
Justin grabbed a little video, but you can’t tell much from it. Feel free to check it out, though.
Luckily the Toadies concert is on Thursday, which should be GOOD. I have actually seen The Toadies 5+ times and know what to expect. Weeee!!!
Why France?
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 | Thoughts | 6 Comments
I came up with a “plan” a long time ago while I was dealing with some unpleasant issues in my life that would allow me to escape everything customary and normal. I decided, if I was not enjoying the life I was leading, then I’d run off to the south of France and grow old and plump baking pies (and probably bread and muffins, too). It seemed like a peaceful, incognito existence outside the norms of American life and the suffocating goals of American dreams.
Flowers in France
At one point this locale-of-expatriate-fantasies needed no explanation as to the ‘why.’ However, some run-ins with not-so-nice French people during mine and Val’s last trip to Europe (specifically in Paris), as well as similar experiences imparted to me by other travelers, has prompted me to answer the question “Why France?”
I think, in this instance, a picture is worth a thousand words. I didn’t take this photo, but as I was updating the ALA website with information on our European vacations, I came across this shot of the Loire region.
Sept. 11th - almost a freakin’ decade
Friday, September 12th, 2008 | Negativity | 4 Comments
I am posting what I wrote the morning of Sept. 11, 2001 here because of Matt’s post. in years past I’ve gone into detail about how the rest of the day went, but I won’t right now. I’ll let it be a time capsule, untainted by modern interpretations.
Read and get a glimpse into my mind and my life at 21 as a senior in college:
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
8:45 AM
A call this morning from Mike’s mom, and we turn the TV on, in time to see the third plane crashing into the 2nd World Trade Center, in time to see the first disappearing in a puff of smoke, and hear, finally, that one of the planes was an American Airlines plane hijacked from Boston. My first thought, “Thank goodness Dave and Rob don’t really fly out of Boston - They’re international…” My second thought, “But Sheila ISN’T!” I immediately get on the phone to call Sheila. Her voice is raw from crying. She is okay - at home in San Antonio. David was in Chicago about to take off, and Rob was safe at home. Thankfully, all outgoing flights have been canceled, and everyone I care about is safe.
I hang up and start bawling into Mike’s shirt. Eventually I compose myself, temporarily. He runs to school and I call my mom, who is very concerned about me, and is thankful and relieved to hear Sheila is safe and in town. She called Robert first. His cell phone is not working, possibly because the Trade Center Tower #1 has fallen. Suddenly, the second tower collapses into a heap - a pile of dust. I start crying and mom is concerned. She tells me I may be wrong. She can’t believe the whole thing is gone - fallen into a pile of dust. How odd, it seems, when only the top was destroyed the whole thing would crumble. I wonder what they will build there now.
I don’t want to go to school. I want to be with my family. I want to hug Sheila because she is still here; she is ok, thank god…
So the Pentagon was crashed into and the State Dept. was bombed (car bomb). Shade says, “but this means war in our lifetime Ness…this is worst we’ve seen.” and I suppose he’s right. After all, we need something to boost the economy, right Mr. President? I don’t want to believe it was an “inside job.” I don’t want to believe this has happened, period.
I’ve got to go… School starts in 30 minutes, after all.
Blogging from Billings
Thursday, September 11th, 2008 | Thoughts, Travel | 1 Comment
Incredibly creative subject line, I know.
So far, works been much the same as it is back home, except I’ve been putting real office clothes on and makeup. I’ve also been able to help with a couple of computer questions and walk into the other rooms to ask people things, so that’s been a nice change of pace.
Had I written yesterday, as I’d intended to, I’d have told you about the wonderful weather, the freshness, the smell of grass, the trees, and the whole town just having a clean, naturalness to it. It is amazing.
Today it was cold and rained ceaselessly. As I am driving one of ALA’s12 passenger vans around while I’m here, this is not the most comforting of weather changes. I went straight back to the hotel after work and ducked out only briefly for dinner at Carino’s (which happens to be in La Quinta’s parking lot).
I am engrossed in the book I am reading (Twilight series book 2). I read it before, throughout, and after dinner, pausing only now to check my email and update this blog. I’ll probably have it finished by tomorrow. Alas.
Well, I am going to read some more and hit the hay. I have to actually get up early and ‘prepare’ to be around people. Sheesh, crazy non-telecommuting types. Hope everything is going well where you cats are at! And I hope Val! is enjoying the wonderful city of Chicago. :)
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