Thoughts
Blogging from Billings
Thursday, September 11th, 2008 | Thoughts, Travel | 1 Comment
Incredibly creative subject line, I know.
So far, works been much the same as it is back home, except I’ve been putting real office clothes on and makeup. I’ve also been able to help with a couple of computer questions and walk into the other rooms to ask people things, so that’s been a nice change of pace.
Had I written yesterday, as I’d intended to, I’d have told you about the wonderful weather, the freshness, the smell of grass, the trees, and the whole town just having a clean, naturalness to it. It is amazing.
Today it was cold and rained ceaselessly. As I am driving one of ALA’s12 passenger vans around while I’m here, this is not the most comforting of weather changes. I went straight back to the hotel after work and ducked out only briefly for dinner at Carino’s (which happens to be in La Quinta’s parking lot).
I am engrossed in the book I am reading (Twilight series book 2). I read it before, throughout, and after dinner, pausing only now to check my email and update this blog. I’ll probably have it finished by tomorrow. Alas.
Well, I am going to read some more and hit the hay. I have to actually get up early and ‘prepare’ to be around people. Sheesh, crazy non-telecommuting types. Hope everything is going well where you cats are at! And I hope Val! is enjoying the wonderful city of Chicago. :)
Baby on Board - My Cousin is Pregnant!
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 | Family, Positivity | 4 Comments
8 week sonogram of "Peanut Roan"
I am so glad that my awesome cousin Sheila is pregnant! I doubt I’ll ever have a child and Val!’s pretty much in the same boat, so this is the closest I’m going to come to being an Aunt… well, Aunt-Like. Ok, a really cool cousin. :P
8 week sonogram of "Peanut Roan" saying Hi
I am just so darn excited about “Peanut” Roan!!! Sheila sent sonogram photos out to the family yesterday. I am sharing them here, now. I wish I could tell you more, like how she is feeling (I think a little nauseous!) and what she is thinking (yay baby!), but I can’t… she hasn’t updated her website. :P
In these photos, you can make out little numbs that represent Peanut’s appendages! We don’t know whether Peanut will be a girl or a boy. Mommy and Daddy (Sheila and Justin) supposedly want to wait til the baby is born, but we’ll see if they can stave off their curiosity. Personally, I am hoping Peanut is a girl, but I’ll love it either way. ;) Congratulations She and Justin!!!
Social Change is Possible - Harnessing the Power of the Internet
Tuesday, August 26th, 2008 | News, Popular, Positivity | 16 Comments
Change the World - photo by Cayusa
I am totally infatuated with an idea in development by a Bostonian and a loyal set of like-minded individuals. The concept is simple: changing the world for the better through the power of social media. I’m so into the idea, in fact that I spent the last couple of hours tonight writing up talking points and beginning the brainstorming for a Mission and Vision statement for the infantile organization. I only hope it comes to fruition and pans out in a very positive way. The organization is called Social Media for Social Change (SM4SC). Check out the site to read about the fundraiser in Boston.
In other positive news, congratulations are in order for my cousin Sheila and her husband Justin! They just announced that She She is pregnant with her first child!
How My Mind Processes Data and Some Movement Down Chicago Way
Friday, August 22nd, 2008 | Family, Seasonal, Thoughts | 2 Comments
On a side note, I am a little disappointed no one else commented on the last entry about cutting and self-injury. Some of you messaged me, some of you said nothing, but Justin was the only person to actually comment. His comment was thoughtful and heartfelt. I just hoped for more from you guys.
Crossing the street the other day, I noticed a main walking in the opposite direction. I glanced at him briefly and had the impression that his T-Shirt said “Bush” on it.
My Thought: Someone’s wearing a t-shirt that says Bush on it? Like the president? This has to be interesting.
My 2nd glance revealed the figure of person beneath the word with a fist raised triumphantly into the air and a sort of star behind it.
My Thought: Okay, that’s even weirder! Someone is wearing a shirt that says Bush on it that’s not derogatory, but instead is positive!? What’s going on here!?
You guessed it, I had to look at this poor fellow’s t-shirt a 3rd time to get the full gist of what was actually happening on his t-shirt! And then it all made sense. The shirt said “Rush” on it - not Bush (you can see the t-shirt here. I was a little off). The world was back to normal.
Justin and Ness in Chicago - January 2005*
So Wonderful Chicago
In other news, Val! had an interview in Chicago today for a freelance editing job. Not long after the interview, they called to offer her the gig. Wooohooo!!!! The job guarantees one month of solid editing work on a weekly series about gangs. I don’t know more than that, but I know it will allow her to be in Chicago which in itself is fabulous. It also allows her to be there when that glorious Midwestern city is welcoming Autumn in all it’s golden glory. Ahh… Lucky ducky.
And if everything goes as we hope, they’ll have more work for her after the first month. I’m not going to get into what she is getting paid for her hourly rate, but I will say it’s double what I make if I were to be paid hourly. That’s more than you can shake a stick at! Granted, it’s only guaranteed for one month, but who knows! Congratulations Val!!! Take that Windy City by storm!… and don’t be surprised when I come visit you for days at a time. ;)
*It would make more sense to use a photo of Val! and I from Chicago here, but upon checking Flickr and Picasa, I can’t seem to find one. :(
Life Has Meaning? Suicide, Cutting…
Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 | Negativity | 4 Comments
New Life in Forest Park
For a while in college, I worked part-time as a content editor and web producer for a company called HealthyPlace.com. A large part of my job responsibility was to keep the communities up-to-date. I spent 20 hours or so per week scouring different resources and adding stories and news to the front pages of each community, moderating the journal pages, selected journalers to feature, and at one point I even created a new website to help flesh out (no pun intended) our self-injury community. Looking back, I suppose it wasn’t overly conscientious to call the site “Blood Red” because it could have been a “trigger.” I never really understood that concept. To be honest, I never understood mental illness or why people would flock to websites and communities that centered around them and seemed to sort of promote them. I could open a whole can of worms and write tomes of random narrative here, but I will save that for another time.
I don’t like to approach writing in a structured way at all, but somehow, when an issue is too deep, too personal, or too negative, I find myself staring off blankly, avoiding the computer screen like I’d avoid an uncomfortable relationship oriented conversation. My mind essentially shuts down and I become tired. I don’t know what kind of coping mechanism this is, if it’s one at all. I’d probably achieve better results if I gave myself an outline when I find this happening to me - a tool to get my thoughts back on track.
Last night a friend of mine was rushed to the emergency room because they were talking about suicide, locked themselves in the bathroom with a butcher knife, and proceeded to slash up their arm. This person was treated, held overnight, and released this afternoon. I was understandably upset, saddened, and concerned when I heard this news but I was far from shocked by it. The person in question has been known to ‘cut’ in the past, but this definitely felt like a whole different level. Even if suicide was not actually an intent, anything to this extreme is beyond a cry for help - it is, dear friends (and sister who oh-so-loves Whitman), a Yawp. A big whopping Yawp for help.
It seems to me that suicide, or ‘attempted’ suicide, is the last resort of a person that feels not only depressed but also bored and unequivicolly stuck in their lives. Depression alone is not enough. I think the perception that you’ve gotten yourself completely stuck, immovable, wriggling on a pin (line 55) without a means to escape is the worst spot to be in and the most hopeless. After all, we as a human race have only hope, according to the Greek myth of Pandora and her legendary box, at any rate. It’s the only thing that keeps us going. Hope. Without that, there would be no art, no progress, no society, no you, no I. Nothing. If we had no hope we’d have nothing to keep us here, nothing to strive for. We’d probably all choose to opt out of life.
That’s what I think suicide is. It’s someone that’s come to the end of their tether, regardless of whether things could change for the better in an hour or a day or a week, they’ve come, at that moment, to the end of their tether where absolutely no hope remains. They find themselves stuck and wriggling, depressed, bored, and they say, “This is the end. It’s my end.” And if everything goes according to plan, it is.
Life in Your Hand
Personally, I always tell myself that if things are at their absolute worst and I find myself completely depressed and feeling stuck, I’d give life one last try in a place very far away from the society that I know that’s put me in such a predicament. I would fling myself headfirst into a different world, whether it was the countryside of France or the hills of New Zealand or the busy streets of China. Even if that meant dying in a faraway and altogether unfriendly place, at least I would have tried one last time. Essentially, I would run away. Maybe that’s too optimistic or too immature, but it gives me strength in the darkest and most lonely moments.
It’s truly Sad, the world some of us create for ourselves. I wish I could make it better. What else is out there?
Your insights are appreciated and any words of hope, encouragement, or positive ideas I can pass along are encouraged.
We Children Always Do Grow Old
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008 | Thoughts, Website | 3 Comments
The title is actually a line from a poem written by my sister ages ago (recently found this on the Way Back Machine, so here is the proper usage: “And all that glitters is not gold: we children Always do grow old.”). I proudly wrote about 1,000 words for my story last night. I thought I might do the same tonight, but the motivation isn’t there. I just feel tired and drained… though there is no real reason for it.
In an odd turn of events, I’ve stumbled back into the past in the way of my old website. The Way Back Machine has archive some of my old posts. I thought I might share them randomly on this site. Maybe one of these days I’ll just make a comprehensive archive on lyrael.com, but I’m not holding my breath. A lot of them are quite boring, honestly. It’s so bizarre to me to read how important I felt my mundane life was back then what with taking so many webcam photos and writing about movies and snacks and lost friends. Odd how certain things you deal with in your life can completely destroy your self-view. Oh well… I guess my mood is strange tonight somehow, so that doesn’t help the tone of this post.
Time for bed. In the meantime, enjoy a glimpse into my life in 2002 - exactly 6 years ago to the day. I am also throwing in the last webcam capture that site ever had, you know, for posterity or whatever.
July 28, 2002
“And sometimes the dark is too deep…” - me
I am not going to post the entry that this almost became yesterday… Instead I am going to switch gears and say that Patrick has done an incredible job with his new website and he even bought a webcam and seemlessly integrated his webcam pic into his page. Wow, you really kick ass Aspi! Go see his page NOW!
Here is an update from the 26th written when I got home from the gym/tanning after not sleeping all night:
I took the advice of a camwhore! Can you believe that? I guess I just needed an excuse. An excuse to hit the gym again. I know I have been lazy and making up “reasons” not to go. My sleeping schedule has been completely screwed lately. So… instead of going to sleep when the sun came up, I stayed up. I went to the gym and kicked my ass on the elliptical. It’s been two months since I have been to the gym, plus I was running on no sleep, which I am sure is a bad thing. My body was exhausted after 25 minutes. I knew I shouldn’t be there on no sleep, but I had to start going again, and today was the day. After that I did 3 sets of ab crunches and 2 sets of tricep presses. Anyway, my body was screaming at me to stop. I literally had no energy and I felt like I was going to puke. It was miserable. I am definitely going to sleep before I go to the gym again. Anyway, I proceeded to the locker room to wash my face, which was beat red (as always, but it got red fast and stayed that way forever this time)!
Another thing I had on my agenda for the day was tanning. I know, it’s terrible for your skin! I’d never been tanning, and I always have wanted to try it, especially because I have bikini lines from the one time I was in the sun this summer, grrr! Anyway, I am usually a wuss and won’t do things by myself but I am trying to overcome that. I felt so awkward being at the gym without Mike. I brought his headphones with me but they were probably more of a hassle than anything and after my cardio I just threw them in my bag. I am just tired of my shyness/introversion holding me back. I know I would normally not go to a tanning salon alone because I’ve been thinking about doing it all summer (well, since David’s birthday actually) and keep making excuses, like “When I am in perfect shape then I’ll go” or “When someone offers to go with me, then I’ll go.” I decided to just throw caution to the wind and go by myself. I was sweaty and red faced but I drove to the Quarry and went in anyway. And guess what!? I didn’t have to pay because the first visit is complimentary! Rock on! Now, this was a very bizarre experience for me as I can’t think of many times in my life that I have been totally nude in a public place. I was a little paranoid that someone was going to open the door to my little room and lift up the coffin-like lid of the tanning bed, but, thankfully (and realistically) that did not happen. I hesitantly crawled onto the bed once the lights kicked on, thinking, “you should NOT be able to see particles of light moving.” It’s the same thing that bothers me with black light or red LEDs. Man, that type of light is just not natural. Anyway, it was an interesting experience to say the least, and I may try it again to see if I actually tan and like it. We’ll see. I am not gung ho about it. I am just glad I got the guts to do it. In fact, I feel sort of like it would be stupid for me to continue going knowing it’s bad for me, but I also think “Fuck it, if you want to be tan, just do it!” Well… again, I don’t want to be tan tan, I just don’t want to be pasty, blindingly white for the rest of the summer. Off to bed with me as it is now noon and I want to catch some Z’s so I have energy for the rest of my day.
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