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Life Has Meaning? Suicide, Cutting…
Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 | Negativity | 4 Comments
New Life in Forest Park
For a while in college, I worked part-time as a content editor and web producer for a company called HealthyPlace.com. A large part of my job responsibility was to keep the communities up-to-date. I spent 20 hours or so per week scouring different resources and adding stories and news to the front pages of each community, moderating the journal pages, selected journalers to feature, and at one point I even created a new website to help flesh out (no pun intended) our self-injury community. Looking back, I suppose it wasn’t overly conscientious to call the site “Blood Red” because it could have been a “trigger.” I never really understood that concept. To be honest, I never understood mental illness or why people would flock to websites and communities that centered around them and seemed to sort of promote them. I could open a whole can of worms and write tomes of random narrative here, but I will save that for another time.
I don’t like to approach writing in a structured way at all, but somehow, when an issue is too deep, too personal, or too negative, I find myself staring off blankly, avoiding the computer screen like I’d avoid an uncomfortable relationship oriented conversation. My mind essentially shuts down and I become tired. I don’t know what kind of coping mechanism this is, if it’s one at all. I’d probably achieve better results if I gave myself an outline when I find this happening to me - a tool to get my thoughts back on track.
Last night a friend of mine was rushed to the emergency room because they were talking about suicide, locked themselves in the bathroom with a butcher knife, and proceeded to slash up their arm. This person was treated, held overnight, and released this afternoon. I was understandably upset, saddened, and concerned when I heard this news but I was far from shocked by it. The person in question has been known to ‘cut’ in the past, but this definitely felt like a whole different level. Even if suicide was not actually an intent, anything to this extreme is beyond a cry for help - it is, dear friends (and sister who oh-so-loves Whitman), a Yawp. A big whopping Yawp for help.
It seems to me that suicide, or ‘attempted’ suicide, is the last resort of a person that feels not only depressed but also bored and unequivicolly stuck in their lives. Depression alone is not enough. I think the perception that you’ve gotten yourself completely stuck, immovable, wriggling on a pin (line 55) without a means to escape is the worst spot to be in and the most hopeless. After all, we as a human race have only hope, according to the Greek myth of Pandora and her legendary box, at any rate. It’s the only thing that keeps us going. Hope. Without that, there would be no art, no progress, no society, no you, no I. Nothing. If we had no hope we’d have nothing to keep us here, nothing to strive for. We’d probably all choose to opt out of life.
That’s what I think suicide is. It’s someone that’s come to the end of their tether, regardless of whether things could change for the better in an hour or a day or a week, they’ve come, at that moment, to the end of their tether where absolutely no hope remains. They find themselves stuck and wriggling, depressed, bored, and they say, “This is the end. It’s my end.” And if everything goes according to plan, it is.
Life in Your Hand
Personally, I always tell myself that if things are at their absolute worst and I find myself completely depressed and feeling stuck, I’d give life one last try in a place very far away from the society that I know that’s put me in such a predicament. I would fling myself headfirst into a different world, whether it was the countryside of France or the hills of New Zealand or the busy streets of China. Even if that meant dying in a faraway and altogether unfriendly place, at least I would have tried one last time. Essentially, I would run away. Maybe that’s too optimistic or too immature, but it gives me strength in the darkest and most lonely moments.
It’s truly Sad, the world some of us create for ourselves. I wish I could make it better. What else is out there?
Your insights are appreciated and any words of hope, encouragement, or positive ideas I can pass along are encouraged.
Harp Strings, Rock Wall, Last Day in Stowe
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 | Adventure, Fun, Photography, Seasonal, Travel | 3 Comments
Well, we had a great time yesterday for our last day in Stowe!
It was tough to choose to place a photo of an inanimate object up for my photo of the day. I sort of wanted to put up a climbing one, out of obligation, but my heart chose this one. :)
Aside - Running behind today on my updating. We took some photos with Beloved on Sunday and Justin spent a while trying to get my laptop to work with the camera…. *shakes fist angrily at Vista*
All is well in the world, except that it’s almost 2 AM and I am exhausted.
More Photos - I’ve updated the gallery to contain only photos from the weekend in Stowe and be in chronological order - Friday through Sunday!
Justin and I had a lovely last day in VT! We woke up early, scarfed down breakfast (fruit, pastries, cream of wheat with cinnamon and craisins - and honey in mine) and headed to the fitness center for indoor rock climbing! It was awesome. I LOVE that.. although we barely made it under an hour. Our forearms were screaming after a few times up the wall. :)
We wandered around for a while and then gathered up our things. Justin checked out of the hotel and I went to my harp lesson! Woo! I love the harp - both the way it looks (I admit) and the sounds it can produce. I am so not musically inclined, having never played an instrument. Sadly, despite a couple of years of choir, I never even learned chords/how to read music. The instructer was super patient and nice and helpful. It was a good experience. Mom would be proud as I have finally done something sort of Irish - thus embracing non-German roots for a change. haha :)
It was a beautiful day as we drove back to Burlington to catch our flight. The sun was melting the snow and icicles so it really was the perfect time to depart. I still would’ve loved to stay and try cross-country skiing! Maybe next year. *crosses fingers*
Blogging from Stowe
Saturday, March 29th, 2008 | Adventure, Fun, Photography, Seasonal, Travel | 3 Comments
I was having such a tough time choosing a photo for today. I have a lot of neat ones! I imagine I’ll have even better ones tomorrow. Justin and I arrived in Burlington, VT this afternoon, grabbed our rental car and drove to Stowe. It’s so beautiful - a real winter wonderland. It’s been snowing nonstop. Amazing.
I have some neat photos already uploaded, but most of them are not yet online. Maybe I’ll have more time tomorrow, but I doubt it!
We had a delicious dinner tonight at the Trapp Family Lodge where we’re staying. I wanted an after-dinner drink, so we headed to the lounge where we met a fantastic lady named Carol. We talked with her for a good long while until her brother and his wife came to pick her up. They both have time shares here which they have had for 20 years and acquired for only $5,000! Talk about a neat history! Carol has two teenage daughters that have been coming here as long as they have been living. Very cool! :)
Off to bed with me so I can enjoy a full day of winter activities tomorrow! Good night all.
Living Tropically
Friday, January 25th, 2008 | Adventure | 2 Comments
Updates are scarce lately, it’s true. I haven’t had a lot to write about. I have been so busy with work and random other things that there has been little to no time to update the blog. Val! was in Paris last weekend. I still haven’t seen all the pix. Seems like she had a good time though. She went over and came back on flights Dao was working. How cool!
Justin and I are off to Puerto Rico for a long weekend. I still have to work tomorrow, but at least I’ll be doing it from an island apartment overlooking the ocean. It beats the heck out of chilly New York! And the puppies are coming with us. :) Yay!!!
Two Big Deals
Monday, October 29th, 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments
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| Salem with Val! - October 2007 |
First, let me take you on a tour of witches and a town with a dark past… of bubbling cauldrons, of early America, of the power of persuasion, and fanatical religious fear and murder. Let me take you to Salem, Massachusetts as Val! and I explore the dark past and delightful shops that open in a carnival atmosphere every October. View our photo album here!
Second, you’ll soon be traveling with me, via blog and photos (and possibly video) to South Africa. I am going to post more about this later. Departure date: November 26, 2007.
A variety of thoughts are running through my head this morning.
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments
I woke up depressed.
On my way to work this morning…
The vagabond within me took its sharp fingernail and scratched down the length of my chest, slicing an oozing, bloody line of flesh, wanting out. The sting sent my mind reeling into thoughts of waiting tables in a sunny seaside town in Italy, or roaming through vineyards in a chilly, misty French valley. I know the reality though - my thoughts are driven by my temporary unhappiness. And I felt a surge of anger and sadness and wondered, “when will I be happy? will I ever be happy? when can I just settle down and be happy with that?” I don’t know why my thoughts have tendencies to go that way. Luckily, this morning, I was able to ground my concerns and root them in real problems rather than my ephemeral musings.
I believe the truth of my concern is more in relation to my future, to my goals. Will I ever get my MBA? When? I definitely saw that coming before I turned 30, but now, frighteningly enough, that age is staring me in the face like a pistol during an ill-fated game of Russian roulette. Shit. Also, what about the Scholarship fund I want to start? That I’ve been wanting to start since my sister graduated from college 4 years ago? At what point do I decide I can do things rather than my standard I don’t know how therefore I can’t? Hmm…
I feel like my career is lacking a sense of fulfillment that I get from actually helping people. Yes, that is what made me feel *so* good about being a flight attendant. First of all, I was very good at it, and secondly, I helped people and made people happy. I need that sort of thing in my life. That’s on my list of “things to figure out.”
Another thing I’ve discovered that is bothering me today is the shooting in Virginia. See, the whole incident is depressing, but what gets to me the most is that the shooter was a senior at Virginia Tech. Now, I know this case is extreme, but I really feel that the senior year of college, for most people, is incredibly difficult. You ask yourself who you are, what you’re doing, what will happen after graduation. I understand that high school is like this for a lot of people as well. You come to a crossroads in your life. A lot of people (myself included) are not or were not prepared for this. Your whole life, until that point, is about school. Then what? I feel like our society does an atrocious job preparing young people for the “what now? what’s next? what the hell!?” reality of life after education. I know it was a very difficult time for me (and career choices, etc, definitely haven’t been easy for me), for Val! and for Belinda. It makes me wonder if there is something that can be done to step in to show young people that there really is something out there after college.
I am going to throw that idea to our community relations department and see if they think there is any sort of new program we can work on. I don’t have much faith in people wanting to take on gigantic, new projects though. Especially if they don’t mean bringing in more revenue.
I think I am finished with my rant for now. :)
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