purpose
Yesterday was a bit mleh
Friday, March 28th, 2008 | Negativity, Photography, Puppies | 1 Comment
As you can see, there is an awesome photo attached to this post of Justin walking Ruby and Eve. For some reason I was just in such a crappy mood yesterday… I was in the doldrums. I’ve been slipping into that mentality a bit this week and it really sucks. I hate it when I get that way, mostly because I feel like pretty much nothing I do matters. I feel worthless when I get like that. It’s so depressing.
As I was checking out at the grocery store today, an elderly woman spoke to two young men that were sitting near some newspapers and asked “Do you sell any papers that only have good news? …No? Shame.” :) I like the way she thinks.
Good News:
Tomorrow, Justin and I are escaping to Stowe, VT for a weekend of snowshoeing and relaxing at the Trapp Family Lodge. Roxors! I should definitely have no problem having photo fodder from this weekend. :)
Val!’s been kind enough to watch the puppies while we’re gone. Yeehee!!!
Life is all about decisions…
Saturday, September 8th, 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments
And that is not usually a problem for me. I am certainly not the most indecisive person in the world, yet recently (like the last few weeks), I have felt emotionally and pathologically torn in several different directions. What is best for my future, career, happiness, life? Agh!!! I am driving myself crazy looking for a clear path. If only it were all about money, that would make things SO clear - so EASY.
I just want to do my best.
I just want to make a difference.
I want to feel happy, important, and have FUN at work.
I want to truly enjoy what I do and look forward to getting up everyday.
Oh, and be paid fairly. Which doesn’t mean get rich (well - one day). I just want to be treated fairly. I wonder if I complain too much.
I am going to snuggle with the babies.
Happy Thoughts: Texas two weekends in a row with friends from work! Yes! AND I get to see my Dad this weekend. Score!
Thoughts from my old notebook
Monday, June 18th, 2007 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments
Today, we went to the Museum of Natural History with Jenny and Cody. I love that museum. They are having a mythical creatures exhibit right now but it wasn’t as fantastic as I’d hoped. I enjoyed going through the NY State history/ecosystem hall better.
We also tried Pinkberry. My apologies if you actually go to that link and hear the incredibly catchy music. It was pretty darn good. I’d go again if it was more convenient.
Val! and I have been commenting back and forth on a lot of our photos from Portland. Good times.
I switched to a new notebook at work, which resulted in my going through my old one, transferring some still-relevant notes, throwing most everything away, and stealing a couple of sheets of musings I’d written while sitting in meetings but being “checked-out.” I thought I’d transcribe them here, despite the fact that they’re lacking. Then again, most of my posts here are anyway.
“because you have changed, or because you are new… or because once we fought with you, with your citizens, but have since made amends and you are once again new to us <3"
I am not sure what the above was about.
I like this one a little better;
I am remiss to damage a page completely blank, full of purpose, a thing of beauty almost - not at all ugly or hideous as it sometimes becomes once I’ve begun my regular scribblings.
And yet - I have that unfortunate human condition that requires me to deface or destroy those beautiful, pristine things.He called in… who cares. Half of the time he just sits there bored out of his mind anyway.
I feel sad or lonely or maybe that’s not it. Maybe what I feel is dispassionate and insignificant. I don’t know, but I imagine that could be it.
I want pizza. I want Cosi. I want happy. I want cozy.
TB strategy - “it’s a little all over the place” and “We’re still trying to figure out just what it will be.” Meaning if you’re a man or have the right title people will actually listen and respond to your ideas. What am I missing?
Everything is so small if you want it to be - feels so small.
Like I am so in debt and I don’t want to be an insignificant worker bee all my life and I want to do fun stuff and How will I be able to get out of debt in order to justify going back to school.
!
You may have guessed it!
Friday, June 8th, 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments
The Spurs are in the playoffs and Justin has an ongoing debate with one of his former coworkers, Jason, about whether they’ll win or lose. Of course, Justin is rooting for the Spurs. He went to their website while on the phone with Jason a few minutes ago and called over to me, “Hey, isn’t this what you wanted them to do when you were there?”
I looked at his monitor and was met with a streaming webcast of the playoff game.
“That can’t be live.” I was in denial.
“It is!”
…
Don’t that beat all.
Good for them. It only took them four years to do what I was trying to do in 2003. The only thing I was able to get permission to do in the realm of video streaming was done at the last minute with my own personal webcam and a page that kept refreshing, aimed at the outside festivities of the SBC Center. Still, it was a big hit. And no, it was not possible to set it up inside.
My web advertising idea was also a big hit, and they’ve taken the concept a very long way, especially considering my director at the time scoffed at the idea. We are really living in a strange world, let me tell ya.
Being at the point in my life that I am, I can look back with perfectly clear hindsight and see the situation differently than I did at the time. Sure, my severance package was more than amiable, but what was the real reason that the Spurs and I had to go separate ways? Sure, the fit wasn’t right. Whose fault was that, though?
I don’t like to internalize things. I suppose it is a constant struggle. I am definitely better about it than I was ten years ago. I am sure I’ll be that much better ten years from now. I just sometimes wonder if being motivated, self-assured, and intelligent is more of a hindrance than a blessing…
Budget update:
$20 - Dinner at the diner (both of us)
—-
$20 - Yeah, total. We made sandwiches for lunch and had breakfast at home. Rock! Unfortunately, we also discovered that the refrigerator is on the fritz. So far, our milk and yogurt seem to have soured. Hrmph :(
A variety of thoughts are running through my head this morning.
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments
I woke up depressed.
On my way to work this morning…
The vagabond within me took its sharp fingernail and scratched down the length of my chest, slicing an oozing, bloody line of flesh, wanting out. The sting sent my mind reeling into thoughts of waiting tables in a sunny seaside town in Italy, or roaming through vineyards in a chilly, misty French valley. I know the reality though - my thoughts are driven by my temporary unhappiness. And I felt a surge of anger and sadness and wondered, “when will I be happy? will I ever be happy? when can I just settle down and be happy with that?” I don’t know why my thoughts have tendencies to go that way. Luckily, this morning, I was able to ground my concerns and root them in real problems rather than my ephemeral musings.
I believe the truth of my concern is more in relation to my future, to my goals. Will I ever get my MBA? When? I definitely saw that coming before I turned 30, but now, frighteningly enough, that age is staring me in the face like a pistol during an ill-fated game of Russian roulette. Shit. Also, what about the Scholarship fund I want to start? That I’ve been wanting to start since my sister graduated from college 4 years ago? At what point do I decide I can do things rather than my standard I don’t know how therefore I can’t? Hmm…
I feel like my career is lacking a sense of fulfillment that I get from actually helping people. Yes, that is what made me feel *so* good about being a flight attendant. First of all, I was very good at it, and secondly, I helped people and made people happy. I need that sort of thing in my life. That’s on my list of “things to figure out.”
Another thing I’ve discovered that is bothering me today is the shooting in Virginia. See, the whole incident is depressing, but what gets to me the most is that the shooter was a senior at Virginia Tech. Now, I know this case is extreme, but I really feel that the senior year of college, for most people, is incredibly difficult. You ask yourself who you are, what you’re doing, what will happen after graduation. I understand that high school is like this for a lot of people as well. You come to a crossroads in your life. A lot of people (myself included) are not or were not prepared for this. Your whole life, until that point, is about school. Then what? I feel like our society does an atrocious job preparing young people for the “what now? what’s next? what the hell!?” reality of life after education. I know it was a very difficult time for me (and career choices, etc, definitely haven’t been easy for me), for Val! and for Belinda. It makes me wonder if there is something that can be done to step in to show young people that there really is something out there after college.
I am going to throw that idea to our community relations department and see if they think there is any sort of new program we can work on. I don’t have much faith in people wanting to take on gigantic, new projects though. Especially if they don’t mean bringing in more revenue.
I think I am finished with my rant for now. :)
Where do you want to go?
Monday, January 29th, 2007 | Uncategorized | No Comments
So, I thought it would be a lot of fun if we wrote a blog together. At least for now. And why not have it be about adventuring, seeing the world, or at least our yearning to do so? I imagine other things will find their way in as well - intertwine, like “the yellow smoke that slides along the street, Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;” - T.S. Eliot.
But we will be clever about it. We will label our entries appropriately so everything is functional, findable and filed. Here’s to journaling, a delightful group effort. :)
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