Being here, driving along 35 coming down from Austin and into San Antonio, I am reminded of the ease of life here. At least my life before I was concerned with having a ‘career’ and the type of meaning I was searching for was of a whole different ilk, something far less tangible yet rewarding to the self and… in an ironic way, hollowing at the same time.

Speaking of time, there used to be so much more of it. Working and planning an event was a real possibility. Val’s graduation party came to mind as I rode home last night. The ease of meeting people at boutiques to shop for dresses, taking responsibility of getting the cake, the flowers, of gathering photos and videos to display to the crowd the night of the grand event. So much more possible planning a graduation party then than even being involved with any wedding planning now. Sometimes I can see it’s taking a toll on Justin, but more often I have to be told. Last night he was in a foul mood over my lack of availablity, and on the train into Manhattan yesterday morning he described a conversation he’d had with someone about the wedding planning. They, asuming stereotypical gender roles and relationship dynamics, asked him how much if at all he was involved with the planning. He frankly told them he was doing almost everything himself. Things like that are heavy weights on my chest, yet I am stubborn and persistent, often in a single-minded way. Somehow, though, despite my work constraints I need to be around more for him, invovled more for him, for us.

How divergent these streams of consciousness can be. A bird bouncing playfully from tree limb to tree limb out front once more distracts me from my sinking thoughts. I’ve been awake for half an hour now with my cup of coffee and my note pad. With my father’s cowboy hat on my head and my clothes selected from the time capsule of my room. Green umbros and a black and silver spaghetti strap xs tank top from Express. Used to adore that store, but think this shirt may’ve been Val’s. As I rummaged through my chest of drawers this morning, I discovered 2 swimsuits I like. I’d been wondering about their fate for a while. Should’ve occurred to me they were in the time capsule. Though coming home has a slightly less bizarre and and eerie affect than it used to. For years, the calendar hanging in my bathroom displayed Oct. 2006, the month we packed up and left for New York. A few visits ago I decided it would be best to change it. Who needs a reminder anyway. Coming home causes one to reflect enough as it is, to remember, to compare – to see how different things are now , how different oneself is now – for better or worse. The floors need to be swept, need to be vaccuumed. My father’s office is a disaster of debris – a miserable thing to walk across. Not that he ever cleaned it. I suspect the culprit of its state lies in the fact that his doting mother, who lives no further than the length of two football fields from here, has distanced herself a bit lately. Family is an interesting game to play.

Anywho – Dad’s 60th birthday party is tonight. Today, my Aunt Sha Sha and cousin Sheila are throwing a bridal shower for me. It is very sweet of them, but there’s still a small, introverted creature inside me that’s not looking forward to the situation.
Ironic human that I am, craving attention while also despising the thought of being the center of it. Time to get ready to get.

The good thing about where I work is it’s very easy to focus on just work and not get confused about friendships or comfortability.

I hate when people say flushing out when they mean fleshing out.

I find it highly amusing that my coworker is sitting there playing brick breaker during this meeting.

Does it ever really freeze in Montauk? (I was thinking about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.)

“Iran sends rocket with animal menagerie into space” was a headline on the news monitor in the office elevator.  I thought it was pretty interesting word usage.  First, I thought of the animals done up like circus animals, then I thought of the Tennesee Williams play, and finally I landed on the glass case in my grandmother’s house that has it’s own animal menagerie inside.

Forest Park in Autumn

Also, I’ve added photos to flickr of my wanderings with Justin.  Take a walk in Forest Park, visit the western Catskills, and check out Salem for Halloween.

Wondering what caused me to do this?
The whole purpose of doing this was because… I felt like it. :)  It was a good feeling to write something with no purpose and without real concern over whether it would be good or not.  It reminded me of high school, when creative writing was fun and something I did for the hell of it.

Take a gander at my little story.  I’ll see about typing up the last little bit tomorrow.

I thought it might be cool to open this up to anyone that felt like continuing the story, writing down a parallel path, or hell, even just adding a sentence.  But I know no one will feel like doing that, nor have the time, so I’ll relieve you of the pressure.

Why share this thing now, tonight, when I actually worked on it months ago?
A friend of mine mentioned something today that sent me down a path of looking up the portfolio sites of coworkers (past and present).  That then led me to perusing some of my own older sites and old communities I used to be a part of… I ended up closing out old accounts in the process, but it reminded me how creative I can be and how I am actually pretty good at design.  In short, it made me feel like sharing something somewhat creative.  There ya have it… G’nite.

Next week is a big week for me.  I have a couple of interviews lined up, but one of them is for a job I’d desperately love to have.  We’ll see what fate has in store.  I guess everything happens for a reason. I hope everyone out there is enjoying their Friday the 13th and has a Happy Valentine’s Day (Valentinstag).

You go, Keira Knightley. I have newfound respect for you:
Keira Knightley refuses breast enhancement for ‘The Duchess’

In an odd turn of events, I’ve stumbled back into the past in the way of my old website. The Way Back Machine has archive some of my old posts. I thought I might share them randomly on this site. Maybe one of these days I’ll just make a comprehensive archive on lyrael.com, but I’m not holding my breath. A lot of them are quite boring, honestly. It’s so bizarre to me to read how important I felt my mundane life was back then what with taking so many webcam photos and writing about movies and snacks and lost friends. Odd how certain things you deal with in your life can completely destroy your self-view. Oh well… I guess my mood is strange tonight somehow, so that doesn’t help the tone of this post.

Time for bed. In the meantime, enjoy a glimpse into my life in 2002 – exactly 6 years ago to the day. I am also throwing in the last webcam capture that site ever had, you know, for posterity or whatever.

July 28, 2002
“And sometimes the dark is too deep…” – me

I am not going to post the entry that this almost became yesterday… Instead I am going to switch gears and say that Patrick has done an incredible job with his new website and he even bought a webcam and seemlessly integrated his webcam pic into his page. Wow, you really kick ass Aspi! Go see his page NOW!

Here is an update from the 26th written when I got home from the gym/tanning after not sleeping all night:

I took the advice of a camwhore! Can you believe that? I guess I just needed an excuse. An excuse to hit the gym again. I know I have been lazy and making up “reasons” not to go. My sleeping schedule has been completely screwed lately. So… instead of going to sleep when the sun came up, I stayed up. I went to the gym and kicked my ass on the elliptical. It’s been two months since I have been to the gym, plus I was running on no sleep, which I am sure is a bad thing. My body was exhausted after 25 minutes. I knew I shouldn’t be there on no sleep, but I had to start going again, and today was the day. After that I did 3 sets of ab crunches and 2 sets of tricep presses. Anyway, my body was screaming at me to stop. I literally had no energy and I felt like I was going to puke. It was miserable. I am definitely going to sleep before I go to the gym again. Anyway, I proceeded to the locker room to wash my face, which was beat red (as always, but it got red fast and stayed that way forever this time)!

Another thing I had on my agenda for the day was tanning. I know, it’s terrible for your skin! I’d never been tanning, and I always have wanted to try it, especially because I have bikini lines from the one time I was in the sun this summer, grrr! Anyway, I am usually a wuss and won’t do things by myself but I am trying to overcome that. I felt so awkward being at the gym without Mike. I brought his headphones with me but they were probably more of a hassle than anything and after my cardio I just threw them in my bag. I am just tired of my shyness/introversion holding me back. I know I would normally not go to a tanning salon alone because I’ve been thinking about doing it all summer (well, since David’s birthday actually) and keep making excuses, like “When I am in perfect shape then I’ll go” or “When someone offers to go with me, then I’ll go.” I decided to just throw caution to the wind and go by myself. I was sweaty and red faced but I drove to the Quarry and went in anyway. And guess what!? I didn’t have to pay because the first visit is complimentary! Rock on! Now, this was a very bizarre experience for me as I can’t think of many times in my life that I have been totally nude in a public place. I was a little paranoid that someone was going to open the door to my little room and lift up the coffin-like lid of the tanning bed, but, thankfully (and realistically) that did not happen. I hesitantly crawled onto the bed once the lights kicked on, thinking, “you should NOT be able to see particles of light moving.” It’s the same thing that bothers me with black light or red LEDs. Man, that type of light is just not natural. Anyway, it was an interesting experience to say the least, and I may try it again to see if I actually tan and like it. We’ll see. I am not gung ho about it. I am just glad I got the guts to do it. In fact, I feel sort of like it would be stupid for me to continue going knowing it’s bad for me, but I also think “Fuck it, if you want to be tan, just do it!” Well… again, I don’t want to be tan tan, I just don’t want to be pasty, blindingly white for the rest of the summer. Off to bed with me as it is now noon and I want to catch some Z’s so I have energy for the rest of my day.

I just wish that Ruritania and Papyrus had been represented.

In a way, it *feels* a little bigger because of this enormously populated, exaggeratedly important city. Everyone knows of it, speaks of it, longs to be here for one reason or another even if they’re at the furthest corners of the world. Movies are filmed here, books are written here, tv shows are shot here… It’s definitely recognizable, and being even slightly affiliated with a place so well-known and lusted after makes my life feel just a millimeter more significant.

But in other ways, I am much more isolated in this cut-throat, self-serving, me-first sort of city. I lost it the other night, crying to Justin and wondering if I’d ever have any real friends again.

July 4, 2008: Happy birthday, Michieru. Hope you’re making the most of it!