Thoughts
Resolutions in Single Word Form
Monday, January 5th, 2009 | Positivity | 3 Comments
Execute. Meaning. Fun.
What will your 3 words for 2009 be?
Ankhs in the Ground
Saturday, November 15th, 2008 | Thoughts | 7 Comments
Premise: For Halloween I dressed up just a little gothy. However, I was missing one vital accessory for my outfit: my ankh necklace. I knew I had one somewhere, but the where was eluding me. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d worn it or the last place I’d seen it. I considered searching in the bedroom, though even that seemed pointless. Had I brought it to New York with me at all? My memory was failing me, as is often the case, so I didn’t give it much more thought until the mystery unraveled in a morbid thought process this morning.
Lying in bed in Texas, I was awoken by my dad bringing in Justin’s cell phone. The alarm was going off. It was 8:30 AM in NY, 7 :30 here. I considered getting up after only 4 hours of sleep to walk down the street and see my grandmother (Nanny), a ridiculously early riser. I’d spoken with my cousin Sheila the night before; she told me she and her husband (Justin) were going to have breakfast with Nanny at 7 AM. Yeah, right. Sheila is notorious for consistent inconsistency.
The thought occurred to me of playing a terrible practical joke on Sheila - pretending Nanny had died by getting there before her, conspiring with Nanny and hiding her, and basically lying through my teeth when Sheila arrived. Obviously, this thought process got me thinking of how sad everyone would be if Nanny were to die for real and how devastated my cousin David would be. How devastated I would be.
Mom, Me, Jared, and Val! - Halloween 1994
Thoughts leading on to other thoughts, I remembered the last time someone incredibly important to me died. It was Dec. 2005 and the neighbor I’d had and helped raise (he was 6 years younger than me) and played with practically my whole life committed suicide. His mother found his body hanging in his closet. I remembered going to his wake and half-hoping in that ridiculous manner that people do when they don’t want to believe reality that it was all an elaborate ruse and Jared would call it off at any moment. Val! and I swore we wouldn’t be angry if he’d planned the whole thing as some gigantic practical joke, or even just some way to prove to himself that lots of people cared about him (people came out en masse - it was incredible to see the number of lives this young guy had touched). I lost it as soon as I saw his lifeless body in the coffin. Even from the entrance of the chapel, it was apparent the spark that was Jared’s being was gone forever.
I remembered that I’d dressed Goth that night and for the funeral the next day in honor of Jared. It was something he used to tease me relentlessly about, even though he always conceded to letting Valerie and I dress him up and put makeup on him. It was at this moment that it struck me where my ankh was. As I approached Jared’s coffin the day of his funeral to say my final goodbye, I ripped my ankh from around my neck and laid it on his chest. Strange how we’re driven to do symbolic things, like adorning a corpse with a necklace before sending it into the ground forever, as a way of saying goodbye. Utterly pointless but entirely human.
Mystery solved. I wonder what it was about this thought process, this story, that drove me to get up at 7:30 AM after a mere 4 hours of sleep and type it up to share with my poor readers. I feel a little guilty about it, because spreading misery is not my goal, but it seemed important, even interesting, to me. I guess revelations and understanding are interesting to me. Anyway, I am going to lay down and try to go back to sleep.
Follow Up: I didn’t want to leave any of you guys hanging as I am sure you’re on the edge of your seat wondering, “Did Sheila show up at 7 AM this morning at Nanny’s house?!” Like a good author and fact-checker, I just got off the phone with Nanny. Sheila did not show up afterall. Justin left a message saying something about abdominal pain (she is pregnant - sounds like a good reason). I guess it’s good to be able to bank on the actions of someone you know pretty darn well. Nanny did, however, make Schmawn* in the anticipation of Sheila and Justin’s arrival. Don’t worry guys - my Justin and I will take care of it for you. Good morning all.
* Schmawn is pancake mix + oil stirred constantly over heat in a big pot til there are tiny cooked pancake crumbles. Served in a bowl covered with syrup. Oh deliciousness.
Thoughts while riding the E train
Thursday, November 6th, 2008 | Thoughts | 8 Comments
I’m going on my 3rd year in New York right now, but somehow it never seems like I live here. It’s always felt extremely temporary somehow. The thought occurred to me tonight as I was riding the subway into ‘the city’ and feeling the humidity, even though I was many feet below the ground in an enclosed metal tube. I was mentally chastising myself for being surprised at how humid is was with, “What do you expect? We live in a place surrounded by the ocean.” As soon as I had that thought it felt fake to me.
After 2 years in New York, I still don’t feel as though I have ever lived here. Why is that? Is it because I know in my heart I am biding my time? Probably. Moving to NYC is something I did out of coercion—maybe persuasion is a better word. At any rate, I accepted it because I was looking to make a change in my life anyway. Chicago was the city I’d set my sights on, but America’s first city offered me a job, I already had family here, plus my sister was requiring me to go where she did, and Val!’s plans certainly included New York. There was no great reason not to move to New York.
I wonder if the feeling of living a transient existence and just waiting, waiting in limbo, would be the same regardless. I know Texas is in my eventual future, but I’d still like to feel settled and cozy in the interim—like I belong to a place and it to me. Like I have a positive, loving relationship with my current city, as cheesy as that may sound. New York, why are you so elusive? Is it entirely my fault?
I see it from the periphery. I see how cool New York is, how interesting it can be, and what it offers that no place else really does—something for everyone. It’s easy to rebuke NYC for being so hard-nosed, so unfriendly, so not midwestern/southern. I just want, for the rest of the time Justin and I are here, to love it like other people openly love it. I just don’t know if I have it in me.
Side note: On the way to see FIT’s Gothic fashion exhibit today, a black man was handing out a newspaper. The cover said “Racism! Hatred!” He tried to hand it to an Indian man walking right in front of me that did not take it. As I approached, he quickly pulled the magazine away from my sight and back toward himself. Strange, but that happens more than you’d think here. There are religious propaganda spreaders that hang out near Queens Mall preaching that God is black. They approach anyone that looks like a minority, but when I (or another white person) walks by, they back away or turn to someone else. In a way, it’s a bummer. What if it was something I wanted to know about? It’s not like I’ve got religion in my life. ;) Oh well, no biggie.
FIT’s exhibit was amazing and highly, highly recommended. If you like black, lace, Gothic style, or are just curious, you absolutely must check it out! I might write more on this at another time, as I am planning to drag Val! back with me… in full regalia. :)
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